The Number One Reason Couples Fight About Money and How to Stop

February 10, 2016

70% of fights within couples are about money according to a Money magazine poll, which really doesn’t surprise me. That’s one of the reasons our new book, What Your Financial Advisor Isn’t Telling You: The 10 Essential Truths You Need to Know About Your Money, dedicates a whole chapter to love and money. What surprises me is that so many people I talk to about this are unaware of the underlying issues that lead to these fights. Very rarely is it actually about the money. In my experience, it’s usually more about a difference in values relating to money.

A Difference in Values

I was recently discussing this with a friend who was suddenly fighting with his wife about money due to her possible job layoff. Thinking that he was helping, he focused on helping to find her a new job that paid more but for some reason, she was resisting looking into the opportunities he was finding for her. Because of this, he was becoming increasingly nervous about money and giving her a hard time about any spending. If she didn’t care enough to look for a new job, he thought she should at least curb her spending.

When I dug a little deeper, I found that this was not really about the money. He makes more than enough to support them even if she did lose her job. It was about their differing values.

To him, a job was mostly about economic security. He chose his career because it paid well and afforded him the comfortable lifestyle he desired. He was excited at the opportunity for her to contribute more to their income, leading to perhaps purchasing a bigger home or moving to a nicer community.

On the other hand, she chose her lower paying career, despite the dismal pay, out of her belief that a job should fulfill you and contribute to a greater purpose. Losing her job would be painful, but she did not intend to leave her chosen field. The fights weren’t about the money she was spending. They were about him thinking that she didn’t care about their family finances, and her thinking that he was disrespecting her career.

Neither belief is wrong, but they are quite opposite. It’s a shame they hadn’t uncovered this difference sooner. But we all have these underlying money beliefs and values  (or money DNA as my friend Mackey likes to say) that shape the way we view the world. The best way to avoid money fights or at least have more productive money discussions is to have a better understanding of where your partner is coming from and keep that in mind when you have disagreements.

What To Do About It

If you’re not sure what your partner’s money DNA is, take some time to discuss the following questions together. Keep an open mind and remember that there is no such thing as a wrong answer. You can’t try to change your partner’s DNA. The purpose of this exercise is to promote understanding, not to change each other.

Schedule a money meeting to just go through the following together:

1. What is your earliest memory about money? (receiving an allowance, being told “no” to something you really wanted, seeing your parents struggle with money, etc.)
2. If you unexpectedly inherited $1 million from a long-lost relative, what would you do?
3. What are your money fears? Do you fear running out of money? Do you fear someone using you for money? Do you fear appearing greedy?
4. What is it about your spouse’s money DNA that bugs you the most and why do you think that? (No accusations or finger-pointing! Really try to think of why your spouse may have financial behavior that’s at odds with your money beliefs.)
5. Based on the previous answer, how is your spouse misunderstanding you or your relationship to money? (Vulnerability and trust are key here. You have to be open to the fact that you may be engaging in unhealthy financial behavior even if you don’t intend to hurt your finances.)
6. What agreements can you make about money that you both promise to stick to? For example, you may agree that you will not take on any new debt without first discussing it (this includes opening a store credit card when shopping) or you may need to agree on an amount that neither of you will spend without consulting the other. Write them down and commit to them together. You both have to agree.

The key to this exercise’s success is coming to the discussion with a loving mindset. Remember and trust that you are on the same team. If your spouse is doing something that makes you feel like you aren’t on the same team, then you need to point that out, but try to do it in a way that is not accusatory but rather asking for help.

Are there other questions you think couples should ask each other to uncover their money DNA? I’d love to add them to my list. Please email me or follow me on Twitter @kclmoneycoach.