How an Argument on Valentine’s Day Made Our Marriage Stronger

February 14, 2017

When I think of Valentine’s Day, I always think of my first Valentine’s Day after I got married. We were new homeowners undecided as to how to decorate our home. I am a saver and I wanted to bargain shop and slowly decorate. My husband is a spender who was tired of walking around empty rooms and wanted to start buying furniture without looking for a deal (gasp). Our discussion, or rather argument, about how we would buy furniture was the first dose of reality that we had very different thoughts about money.

Now, I am sure some of you are asking yourselves why she is talking about an argument on Valentine’s Day. Trust me. I am going somewhere with this. It was not easy, but after we both stopped pouting, our argument made us realize that in order to have peace, we needed to agree on how we will spend money as a couple so over the next few months we came up with a plan to manage our finances together. The following is how we were able to do it without strangling each other:

1. We had money meetings a few times a month. We had a meeting a few days before the new month began to discuss what expenses were coming up during the month and a shorter meeting before each pay period to make sure nothing changed or was forgotten. The longer we did this, the shorter the meetings became. This went a long way to prevent arguments about last minute unexpected spending.  Consider using a budget worksheet as a tool to map out your spending plan as a couple.

2. We set up communication ground rules for the meeting. First, we agreed to obey the principle my kids learned in kindergarten that if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all. We established the budget meeting as a no nagging, judging, and cursing zone with no sarcastic remarks allowed. We also had to give one compliment about how our spouse managed their money. Work with your partner to come up budget meeting ground rules.

3. I agreed to keep the meeting short and my husband agreed to bring his body and mind to the meeting.  I also agreed to be flexible on the meeting times if important events arise, such as my husband’s favorite team playing. Agree on a meeting date and time where both of you can be mentally as well as physically present.

4. We set up 4 accounts: a joint checking account where both of our paychecks initially went into for the household bills, separate checking accounts where money was transferred from the joint checking account for personal spending that we did not have to consult each other on, and a joint savings account. We agreed on how much each of us would get to spend every pay period. Every couple is different, so discuss the best opton for the both of you.

5. We also came up with spending ground rules. For us, it was that we would not spend anything over $100 from our joint account without discussing the purchase with each other. We also agreed that we would not discuss money spent in our personal accounts. I deliberately mentioned this twice because for some couples, it’s important to have personal money you can spend freely.

So as odd as it sounds, our argument on Valentine’s Day was one of the best things that could have happened to us. It led us to getting on the same page about money, which brought us closer together as a couple. As you celebrate Valentine’s Day, consider using the day to go over ideas on how to help you and your partner manage money better together.